Opening Digital Dialogues: How to Talk to Your Children About Sensitive Online Topics
In today's digital landscape, having conversations about sensitive online topics isn't just important—it's essential. But how do you start these discussions without causing alarm or creating awkwardness? Let's explore some practical approaches that I feel keep communication channels open and trust intact with our children.
Why Traditional Approaches Often Fail
Many parents try to tackle the tough topic of online safety with well-intentioned but often ineffective tactics. These include lecturing about dangers, citing scary statistics, imposing strict rules, or simply resorting to the classic "because I said so." Unfortunately, these approaches can backfire, leading to kids hiding their online activities, strained parent-child relationships, and missed opportunities to teach valuable digital citizenship skills.
Some practical tips on how to engage children on sensitive topics. Adapted from Will Geddes’ How To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.
The SHARE Framework for Sensitive Conversations
I’ve adapted this SHARE framework that I used for dealing with adult issues at work. This framework is more child friendly, and does fit the issue that we are discussing, so I will use it! It utilises the basic principles of the “sandwich approach” (Start with positive acknowledgment, address concerns or issues, and end with encouragement and support) active listening, incorporating a teachable moment, and having conversations side-by-side.
S - Set the Right Scene
Choose a calm setting: Find a quiet, comfortable space where you can have an uninterrupted chat.
Pick the right moment: Aim for times when you're both relaxed, like during a car ride or a walk.
Avoid tense situations: Steer clear of family gatherings or stressful moments.
H - Hook Into Current Events
Use real-world examples: Refer to news stories, social media trends, or what's happening at school. They may have come across this already when scrolling through social media.
Share anonymous anecdotes: Discuss what your friends' kids are experiencing.
A - Ask, Don't Tell
Start with open-ended questions: Ask, "What do you know about...?" or "How do you feel about...?" This will allow them to talk more broadly.
Listen actively: Give your child your full attention and show genuine interest. Listen more than you speak.
R - Respond, Don't React
Stay calm: Even if what you hear is concerning, maintain a level head. Avoid immediate judgment or criticism. I must emphasise that this is very important.
Acknowledge their feelings: Validate their perspective and show empathy.
Share your experiences: Share age-appropriate personal stories, or stories that you’ve heard, to help them understand. If it can happen to you, it can happen to them.
E - Empower and Educate
Build digital resilience: Teach them how to think critically, problem-solve, and make informed choices.
Provide resources: Share reliable websites and apps to help them learn more.
Encourage self-reliance: Empower them to make good decisions and seek help when needed. Remember, we are trying to guide them, not dictate what they do.
Conversation Starters by Age Group
Ages 8-11
"Have you seen any YouTube videos that made you feel uncomfortable?"
"What do you do when someone sends you a friend request?"
"What would you do if someone asked you to keep a online secret?"
Ages 12-14
"What apps are your friends using these days?"
"Have you heard about anyone having problems online?"
"What would you do if someone shared something private about you?"
Ages 15+
"What do you think about the latest social media privacy updates?"
"How do you handle pressure to share certain types of content?"
"What advice would you give a younger sibling about staying safe online?"
Keep the Conversation Ongoing
The key to fostering a healthy digital relationship with your child is maintaining an open and ongoing dialogue. Remember, the goal is to build trust and create a safe space for your child to talk about their online life. Here are some of the practical tips that I found during my reading (2-4):
Do's
✅ Schedule regular check-ins: Make time to talk about their online activities, even if it's just for a few minutes.
✅ Share your own experiences: Discuss your own digital journey, including mistakes you've made and lessons you've learned.
✅ Celebrate their good digital decisions: Acknowledge their responsible behaviour and positive online interactions.
✅ Tailor conversations to their age: Use age-appropriate language and examples to keep the discussion relevant.
✅ Maintain an open-door policy: Let them know they can come to you with any questions or concerns, no matter how small.
Don'ts:
❌ Avoid interrogation: Don't turn conversations into interrogations. Ask open-ended questions and let them share at their own pace.
❌ Don't panic over every issue: Not every online challenge requires a crisis response. Stay calm and address issues with a level head.
❌ Avoid shaming or blaming: Focus on solutions and teaching, rather than making your child feel guilty or ashamed.
❌ Don't expect perfection: Mistakes are a part of life, including online life. Help them learn from their mistakes and grow.
❌ Don't dismiss their experiences: Validate their feelings and take their concerns seriously.
Building Trust: Walking the Talk
Let's face it: Talking the talk is easy. It's walking the talk that truly counts. When it comes to building trust with your kids in the digital age, consistency is key.
Follow through on your promises: If you say you'll check in at a certain time, do it.
Lead by example: Model the kind of online behaviour you want to see in your kids. Limit screen time, be mindful of your social media use, and practice respectful online communication.
Make time for regular check-ins: Schedule regular tech talks to stay connected and updated.
Understanding goes a long way.
Acknowledge the power of peer pressure: Understand that your kids are influenced by their friends, both online and off.
Recognize the authenticity of online relationships: Even though they might seem distant, online friendships can be just as real and meaningful.
Be forgiving: Everyone makes mistakes. Instead of punishment, focus on learning and growth.
Finally, empower your kids with solutions.
Teach them how to say no: Role-play different scenarios to help them practice setting boundaries.
Discuss exit strategies: Help them develop plans for how to disengage from toxic online situations.
Create safety plans together: Work together to develop strategies for handling online bullying, harassment, or other dangers.
Remember, the digital world is constantly evolving. Stay informed. Learn about new platforms, understand current trends, and keep up with the latest digital safety tools.
By consistently modeling good behavior, understanding your child's perspective, and empowering them with solutions, you can build a strong foundation of trust that will last a lifetime.
Next Steps: Take this challenge.
Choose one topic to discuss this week.
Practice active listening. Don’t be judgmental.
Stay informed about your child's digital world. It shows you’re interested in them
Create regular opportunities for casual check-ins.
Build on your own digital literacy.
What challenges have you faced when discussing sensitive online topics with your children? Share your experiences and strategies in the comments below.
References:
Geddes, W., Sawalha, N., & Adams, K. (2018). Parent Alert: How to keep your kids safe online. Dorling Kindersley Ltd.
Garrido, L. Ensuring Child Safety Online: The Role of Trust & Safety Teams. Available online at: Ensuring Child Safety Online: The Role of Trust & Safety Teams - Checkstep.
Lockwood, A. Building trust with your child around device use. Available online at: Building trust with your child around device use (angelalockwood.com.au)
Raising Children’s Network. Privacy, monitoring and trust: pre-teens and teenagers. Privacy, trust & monitoring: 9-18 years | Raising Children Network.